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The journey to Self love is an arduous endeavor, I am not even sure we ever get to love ourselves fully and profoundly as we are in a continuous becoming and emerging and transforming... so self love becomes an ever discovering journey... never a fixed destination.
The more I walk through the path of self-love, the more I grieve the love I did not give myself in the past. Is self-love a journey towards joy? Maybe. For me this far, it has been a tortuous walk through awareness, forgiveness, grief, tears and joys, peace and anger...and above all, the slow unraveling of self-acceptance.
A Love Letter to Self... maybe self-celebratory? Some might wonder. Yes, I say. The celebration of strength and the ability to transform deep rooted aspects of ourselves. The glorious praise of that tireless inner search, that never ceases to rest, never cease to question...This is a human superpower. So here's a love letter to myself. What would you write in yours?
Dear V,
I am finally mustering the courage to write this letter. A long time has passed since I met you and I have been slowly falling in love with you since. I loved you secretly, from afar, I was uncertain...It was such a foreign feeling the one I had for you, so deep, so ancestral, that I failed to recognize it and instead stuffed it down.
The reality is that I have been observing you, every day and it's so wonderful to witness the woman you are becoming.
I still remember how scared you were as a child. I was there too...I saw you, time and time again, question yourself, question your worth and my heart broke each time you did not believe in yourself.
I wish I had the courage to tell you back then, to let you know how loved you were and how perfect you looked to me. Your laughs... as you put on a show for your parents, playing guitar with an old pan! You were so joyful and creative! and you were so loved.
I admire your strength, I love how you never give up and I love how, sometimes, you just do...because you are tired and that's ok...I love you anyway.
I feel so privileged to watch your journey, those inner battles when forgiveness was hard to find but you did look for it so hard...because you could not accept to nest hate in your heart.That heart of yours, so tender yet so fierce.
I wish I knew how to tell you how loved you were when you looked for love in those places that only made you cry. I can make it work! You were convinced, you wanted to experience that love so badly... but you failed and learned and leaned inwards to find that Love inside of you.
You have never let yourself lie on the ground for too long, until you discovered that sometimes it's good to take more time to to heal and rest your heart before getting back up. I felt a lot closer to you in those moments when you put yourself first, when you cared for yourself, when you cried...that voice you could hear, saying that you were OK... that was me. I loved you in those moments too.
Oh and that weeping at the sight of sunsets! It's so funny!... I see you smirk too as you wipe those tears of joy off your cheeks, you don't want anyone to see... who cries for a sunset!?!?! But I think it's endearing and tender...I love you for this too and if you want this can be our secret ;)
I love you and maybe I haven't got to know you well yet or maybe I never will...but I know deep in my heart that I will always love you no matter who you decide to become.
I am proud of you.
Valentina